Bliss in being Alone

Picture not mine

7.3.18

I always dreamed of living by myself, all alone by myself... or not. I can have a shiba inu with me, I won't mind.

Imagine, no one controls you. No one will be so complicated about the tiny details of anything you do. No one will be shouting at you for doing things they think you did wrong.

I can drink coffee all by myself in a coffee shop nearby after school. I can smell and sip the coffee without ever thinking of whether someone will look for me at home.

I can stay at the library for as long as I want and read books as many as I can.

I can stop by a chick fil-a store, order just their large waffle fries and dip them in my ketchup-and-mayo-combo sauce. Hm. Love that.

On my way home, I can chit-chat with friends I met on the parking lot and ask how they’ve been. I bet they had a wonderful summer break or cruise somewhere in Bahamas.

I can excitedly confirm my attendance for a thanksgiving party invite of a very close friend without worrying about them allowing or not allowing me to go. I’ll definitely cook egg rolls/lumpia for the potluck or pansit. Filipino foods are the best.

I can drive and get lost in the middle of nowhere and find my way back learning that that shortcut to work has been there ever since and I never would find it if I didn’t get lost.

I can work double or triple jobs to pay bills and I won't mind, too. I love doing things at my own pace.

I can sit on the front porch in my PJs with my shiba inu with a cup of tea in the middle of the day and smile at my neighbors as they walk by.

Imagine? How amazing would all of these feels if only I will, if only I am, if only I can. Imagine. ---

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12.8.2019

I've written the above journal on the date shown above it. It has been over a year. I still have the same desires but unlike before, for a different reason now. I want to be by myself at the right time when Mommy Helen doesn't need me anymore. Looking at her, she has done a lot of things for us and I could not afford to leave her alone just because of my selfish reasons. I love her so much but our arguments, our fears, our emotions get the best of us. After the tragic event last Dec. 2018, I've always been praying for God to touch my heart to be more appreciative of the things and the people around me, especially Mommy Helen. I've always been praying for our relationship to be restored. God is great and so far, I am more appreciative now.