Empty Christmas

I hope to sparkle, someday like these Christmas lights.

It's 11:53 AM of December 23, 2019. I should have already done my cleaning in the house, like my household chores but here I am, typing these words again. Where do I go anyways? Nowhere because here, I am free. I can be who I wanna be without any judgment.

It's almost Christmas and New Year yet I don't feel delighted, excited or anything. All I feel is still this fear of my guardians I had years ago, this feeling of uneasiness, ungratefulness. I still couldn't get these out of my system. I still wanted to be independent, to be alone by myself without anyone with me in the house. I can't deny the truth that I am still this selfish girl who doesn't want to be controlled by anyone. I tried. I tried to change my perspective. I tried to be grateful, to be the kind granddaughter but still, I can't. Sometimes, I just want to explode and scream at her, "I am so tired of all your negativities. I am so tired of you screaming at me for petty reasons. I am just so tired."

Because of all these feelings I could not let go, I did it again. In fact, several times already. The unforgivable thing. You know that thing you're not supposed to do but you do it anyway because it's your escape? Yes, that. My addiction. It's almost a year now and I don't think I have broken free from my addiction, from my past, from my anger, disappointments and everything else. It is so heavy. I want good things to happen right now! But of course, it doesn't happen like that. I'm such a hypocrite praying and praying but nothing came out of it, no good fruits because the truth is I am still a lost sheep. For now, this blog will still be one of my emotional outlet. I feel like this Christmas will be an empty Christmas for me because I still could not forgive myself and the people around me. Because I still could not let go of my past.