Frustrated

 8:11 PM of September 29, 2020. As usual, I am crying again. What's new, right? 

I am looking at my Exam Credit in DPT1 and I just broke down. I am so tired. I mean I am so happy that I am motivated again to do better but every time that happens, something will come up that will knock my motivation down and discourage me to do so. Just like this exam credit, I was hoping to get a perfect score but I still did not. I feel like I did everything, worked on the practice problems, understood the concepts but still, why didn't I get the perfect score? Did I just set my goals to unreasonable standards? Is it unreasonable for me to get any perfect scores ever in any of these classes? Should I stop aiming for higher goals and just settle for disappointments? or just settle for an expectation that I will never be the student that I ever dreamed I will be?

I am really thankful that I have a good relationship with my grandma. But I am so scared that her efforts of sending me to school, paying like millions every semester will just go to waste once I fail this semester. I will lose my scholarship and we will pay even more. 

You know what's funny? When I and my guardians didn't have a good relationship, I've been planning on going home to the Philippines, was planning on which school to go to, and how to pay for the tuition. When our family problem was ironed-out, it all changed. I wanted to finish school here and find a job and settle here. However, I don't think that's gonna happen anymore. The opposite is happening because before I've been planning on going home to the Philippines, I'm doing really, really well in school but now that I wanted to finish school here, I am such a disappointment.

There is so much to do that even time for crying is not allowed. I hate this.