Discontent in the Land of Opportunity

 

Today, my bestfriend told me that the guy she's dating has finally come to visit her in their house and that her mom approves of him. As I read all her messages and stories about all these wonderful things that are happening to her, I could not figure out what emotion/s I currently have. Am I happy? Am I sad? Jealous? Maybe a mix of everything?

I don't know if I am being extra emotional tonight because my period is coming up or because just recently, I finally admitted to myself that in some areas of my life, I still feel discontented. Until now, I am still in school. Until now, I still live with her. Yes, with her. I know I sound like a brat but the struggle comes from living with her. I may have everything, materials-wise but I've lost myself the entire time I am here. I started living in fear, started lying, started doing things I don't do before, I've compromised A LOT. I started holding a grudge. This weight is so heavy. 

When I go through all these, I could not help but cry. I wanted out of this but then, I remember Apostle Paul who wrote the chapter/letters for the Philippians. This is hard but I am trying. This looks impossible to me but for God, this is possible. There is so much I wanted to tell her about what I truly feel but fear dominates me. I am all over the place, my thoughts are usually. Anyways, just wanna end this here. Hopefully, someday I find peace and joy even in a situation like this.