Chaotic

 

Dear Lord,

It's me again. I tried to pray earlier, in our living room, kneeling, closing my eyes hoping to feel at peace after, but it did not work. My thoughts are too messy. I'm so distracted and so far from You, at least from my perspective. I do not blame You though because I know this is all my fault. Can you believe that these past few days I was even scared to talk to You? I was so hurt by my grandma's words. Before that happened, I felt like I had my prayer life on the way to being solidified, or so I thought. When my grandma told me she was disappointed I failed MPJE despite them coming along with me to my exam, I was shattered. I was so hurt. Since then, I was scared to pray because I started linking prayer to not-so-good things happening in my life. At least, when I don't pray, I know that I deserve the not-so-good things happening in my life. So, sad right? However, as much as I avoid praying, I feel like something is lacking in my life. Despite me distancing myself from You God, You still make wonderful things happen and I still see all of them, I still see You at work.

Despite all the wrongdoings I have done, You never left me. You're just there, waiting for me to reach out. As prideful as I am, I don't want to run to You because I am embarrassed, I am scared, I am sinful, but Your love always prevails. I can still feel Your love in silence. For all of these, I am thankful, Lord God. I am sorry for failing You over and over again. Please forgive me. In this letter, I just wanted to talk to You again, in a different way. 

I took the picture above from one of MUSC's hallways where they display random art pieces. Art makes me calm and peaceful. Currently, I have the absence of both. I feel so unworthy, useless, scared, hypocritical, worried, and anxious. I have a personal struggle Lord God that you know how much is hindering me from my spiritual growth. I am so worried, too that I will fail my MPJE for the 3rd time. I now believe that you only see the worth of something when it will almost be taken away from you and this is how I feel towards residency. I will be kicked out of this program if I still fail MPJE. This scares me, Lord God. I am also not sure if Mommy Helen knows how big of an impact is this. To be honest, I am scared to verify or confirm with her. I don't know. Aside from the aforementioned things that are occupying my mind, I am also insecure with my body. I saw for the first time my full body picture today and I realized how fat I have become. I hate my body and I also struggle with seeing and loving myself. I envy my cousin's body because she looks good in dresses I want to wear. 

Anyhow, I lift up to You all of these things and all of me that are not aligning with Your plans. I am full of negativity at the moment. I am such a chaos, Lord God. Please help me. Please help me, Lord God to feel at peace and calm that surpasses human understanding, the peace and calm that the photo above brings every time I look at it.